​I am, at times, a very reciprocal person. ​You get what you give. I remember my mom instilling this tenet in me at a young age, and, for better or worse, I have long taken it very literally.

"Hit her back!" my mom advised when I routinely complained that my babysitter's daughter hit me on our drive home. When the babysitter herself joined my mom, they convinced me. So I started hitting back. I never really stopped.

Feeling bound to this "tit-for-tat" mentality has made it difficult to be the person I want to be during trying conversations. Even now, at 29, I struggle to make the right choice instead of the fair choice when in conflict with those I love. I struggle sometimes to make the choice I want to live with and be proud of in the future. Most often, this problem presents itself in my communication.

Enter: Family Discussions About Politics

My dad turns 61 today. To celebrate, we took him out to eat at one of his favorite restaurants a few nights ago. Rather, he took us out to eat. He's currently helping me pay for grad school, and I don't have much expendable income at the moment.

As a social work student, I am finally finding the bravery and the language to voice opinions - some long-held, some new. This leads to increased tension for all of us as I clarify my role in the family. On this particular night, it led to what my partner would refer to as a "plane crash." 

Tit for Tat

Something I can always count on when I see my dad these days is that he'll say something pro-Trump that I find problematic.

My dad is not accustomed to me combatting any of these comments with as much rigor as I did on his birthday. I'm not accustomed to me combatting these comments with as much rigor as I did on his birthday. What resulted was an exhausting and largely ineffective... I don't even know what to call it. What is it called when two people talk, but no one listens? 

It wasn't a conversation. It wasn't even an argument. It was just two people succeeding at nothing besides cutting each other off, assuming we knew what the other was going to say, referencing talking points that have been fed to us... It was the opposite of a conversation. 

Here's my problem: I couldn't see my way out of it. It didn't start off so bad. I listened at first. I listened a lot at first. But when I realized he wasn't listening to me, I decided I'd treat him the same.

Why? What do I get out of this? I live up to my mom's advice to four-year-old me who needed to learn to stand up for herself. But I didn't need to stand up for myself in this situation, and I'm not four anymore. 

Undoing Devolution

My undergrad degree was in communications. I worked as a director of communications for four years, and held communications positions five years prior to that. Yet all of my communications skills fell by the wayside in this point-counterpoint endeavor. 

Earlier this semester, my policy teacher gave us an assignment titled "Engaging with Political Difference." We had to find an opinion piece with which we disagree, and then describe it using value neutral language. We had to find points of agreement. We had to attempt to understand the writer's perspective.

The thing is, I loved this project. I found it incredibly helpful. I thought, "Wow! I'm going to keep this in mind the next time I encounter someone with whom I disagree." 

Why didn't I do any of that? Passion taking over? The need to be "right"? I'm honestly not sure. The point is, I want to reinstate that commitment: I will listen. I will find points of agreement. I will attempt to understand the other person's perspective. Otherwise, we're just talking at each other and getting nowhere.

An Interesting Thanksgiving

I have to be secure enough in my beliefs to be able to hear someone else's without thinking I need to convince them I'm right. Sometimes, when I don't have the energy to really listen, that will mean just walking away. 

As I text my dad his official "Happy birthday!" text, I'm mentally preparing for an interesting Thanksgiving a mere four days away. I hope I make myself proud!