Battling stigma is really important to me (in case…you couldn’t…tell). I think that’s why when I recently came across the Instagram post caption pictured here, I felt ready for action.

The post was written by an influencer whom I’ve grown to respect for her forthrightness about her own mental health. I found myself asking why someone who’s at least somewhat attuned to metal health culture flippantly used “psychotic” as a derogatory adjective. She must know better, right? If not, I thought, I could — I should — help with that.

10 Drafts Later…

I drafted responses in the post comments, but never posted them. It felt too much like shaming someone for a mistake due to the public nature of comments. Next, I decided to send her a direct message about it.

Again, draft after draft felt wrong. Too soft, too hard, too direct, too passive aggressive, too condescending, too holier than thou. Since this moment, I’ve been wondering if there is a way to share unsolicited advice with a stranger online (or anyone, for that matter) about their language choices without coming across as preachy.

As I said before, I admire and respect the woman who wrote this caption. I don’t want her to hate me or be offended by what I say to her, nor do I want to be perceived as self-righteous.

Questions started flooding my mind:

Is this appropriate for me to say? If not me, who? Am I valuing her comfort over my principles? Am I valuing my comfort over my principles? Does anyone who’s experienced psychosis actually care about this? Am I becoming the PC police?

Finding The Right Voice

Complicating matters, there are myriad examples of how people handle stigmatizing speech online. Some accounts have so many followers of the similar mindsets, that it appears the influencers themselves don’t even address comments anymore, opting to simply wait for their respective hives to take action. Others stand firmly on a foundation that, because they are morally in the right to address the stigmatizing language, they don’t need to have any tact in doing so. I’ve also come across the assertion that people should just know these things by now.

None of these approaches feels quite right to me. First of all, I’m not an influencer (so grateful) and don’t have a hive to manage (feeling more blessed every day). But on a philosophical level, I think trying to correct stigmatizing speech using the approaches listed above are some of the least effective ways to do so. I think if you really want to change someone’s mind or make any kind of lasting impact on behavior, you have to meet a person where they are. I absolutely don’t think people should already know many of the things they’re expected to know. That assertion goes against what we know about human nature itself: that most of us are only aware of and believe in what we’ve already been exposed to. Just because tons of information is available doesn’t mean people know to look for it. I also believe we would be better off if people didn’t say things because they understood how those things may be harmful to others, not simply because they’re afraid of being policed. Education and openness help with that.

Does It Just Come Down to Values?

I don’t like the idea that we live in a world in which we are constantly watching out for people who say the wrong thing. I don’t want to buy into or become part of that culture. But even more than that, I hate that so many people are too uncomfortable to address derogatory or stigmatizing language, missing huge opportunities to move the dial toward a more accepting world — a type of world that enables more lives to be saved!

I’m sure there are some people who will always nonchalantly redirect negative language both in-person and online with complete aplomb and without giving it a second thought. And there must be those who simply don’t care and never want anyone to “police” their language either. It’s confusing existing between those two extremes. It means you have to take everything on a case-by-case basis. Being an over-thinker and someone who cares a lot what others think of me means even the simplest conversations can ricochet around my brain at night while I’m trying to sleep.

Maybe locating one’s sweet spot on the spectrum of “let me explain why this is harmful” to “free speech means let it all fly” has to do with values more than what is actually said. If your values align with fighting stigma, then you say something, awkward and clunky as it may be. If your values align more strongly with freedom of speech, perhaps you let it go and hope the “offender” is educated elsewhere.

Oh, and One More Thing

While it’s bad writing, last minute let me throw in this little tip*:
When I have spoken to someone about something stigmatizing they said, it’s gone over well when I waited until it was a neutral time (not a time of heightened emotion), and I did it away from other people, so there was less ego on the line. Sometimes it works well. Sometimes it takes people a little while to confront the idea that they may have hurt someone with their language — I sincerely believe almost no one intends to do this. It’s not about getting into an argument to prove you’re right. All you can do is attempt to bring someone’s attention to a problem. What they do with that information is out of your hands.

Lastly, if someone says something truly egregious or intentionally harmful, I tend to call that out right then and there — public or not — in order to shut it down and let them know their behavior is not acceptable and at the same time to let others around know they will be protected from this type of behavior in the future.

* I’d save this for a post all about how to call someone out/in politely, but as you can see, I haven’t quite figured that out yet. Have thoughts? Leave ‘em in the comments down below! I’d love to co-write this.