Describe Depression in a Sentence

While reading Austin Kleon's blog, I found one of his assertions curious. He quotes William Styron, who says depression is on the verge of "being beyond description."

I'm so glad Kleon is using his platform to try and bridge gaps, raise awareness, and bring understanding to others. Still, while I agree it can be difficult to describe depression in a way that someone who's never experienced it can understand or finds satisfactory, I disagree that it's beyond description.

Describing the indescribable

Eager to see whether others feel the same way, I headed to Facebook to crowdsource responses to this prompt: Describe depression in a sentence.

More than 30 people responded. As you can guess, their descriptions were as varied as their personalities. Pouring over their responses made me feel so many things, but primarily this: I am not alone. Sharing that comforting feeling became my new goal.

As I PM'd the respondents - some of whom I perform alongside in improv troupes, others with whom I haven't spoken in upwards of 10 years - asking if I could share their answers anonymously, pop up after pop up of "yes!" "of course!" "Yes, it's the truth!" and "Sure thing!" blew up my screen. I couldn't type the question into another chat box before before the previous person sent an emphatic "YES." 

With their permission, here are my friends', acquaintances', and internet strangers' unedited responses. 

Describe depression in one sentence:

• I can't

• It's like planking, but with with deep emotional numbness.

• I could, but I really don't want to

• It's like slowly being filled with sand, but it isn't scary just inevitable.

• Deflating

• It’s like getting a song called “Who the fuck do you think you are you stupid piece of shit?” stuck endlessly on repeat in your brain.

• Forgetting there was ever life outside of this hole, so there's an "in the hole" filter on all memories and imaginations of the future. (This was mine.)

• It’s like knowing there are things in your life that should make you happy but there is a physical barrier that keeps you from experiencing it.

• What's the point?

• You wouldn’t understand.

• Nothing matters so why bother?

• Not a sentence, but a link to this poignant comic

• I live with depression & ptsd and they go together like PB and J. I did one for each. The world is a giant mine field that you have to continuously breathe through its various obstacles that remind you of how unsafe you have been and can be again. The thoughts "no-one else has this much trouble getting out of fucking bed" & " no-one else locks the door and doesn't feel safe" occur at least once a day.

  • Oh god if we're going to do one for PTSD...
    "Why did this have to happen and why won't it stop hurting?"

• It's too overwhelming to put a coherent, inclusive thought together to describe it and now my anxiety is elevated.

• I hope it’s the one thing that won’t kill me. (In light of recent high profile suicides, I was quite worried about this friend, but so glad that they shared.)

• How about a fragment? Indifference to existence.

• I can’t (again)

  • To elaborate though, it’s that simple, in a way at times. It’s just a heavy blanket of ‘can’t’.

  • Another: Why is nothing filling this hole in my chest?

• There's no point in being awake.

• Life.

• Wading in cement with no possible rescue.

• A seemingly endless spiral where every deluded thought makes you feel more and more hopeless, but your brain tells you you're just thinking more and more clearly.

• I can't breathe.

• It’s a foggy cloud in the brain.

• Exhausting

• I..I..I can’t.

• A blanket of can’t.

• Rage directed inward........

• Being agitated, upset, and moody for no reason at all.

• Not wanting to (insert everyday task or chores)

• Like when something happens that takes away all your joy, motivation, and energy, but for months at a time, and probably because of nothing.

  • ^ This and it’s hard explain it to anyone and most people just think you’re a hypochondriac because you “don’t feel well” all the time.

• It’s too difficult.

• Also..feels like everyone is mad at me.

• Everything feels like a personal attack.

• I don't feel good.

• My negative thoughts speaking to me after every attempt to motivate myself to do anything : “Hope is a function, you idiot. Change is just a story you tell yourself.”
  I do better now though, but this thought still pops up sometimes

• Why am I so tired all of the time?

• Depression is a beast, a big scaly liar, and a mfsob.

• President Trump

• It’s this deep, internal sadness that’s lingering all the time just under the surface, behind the smile and makeup that fools everyone into thinking all is happy and well.

That's our sample. Responses ranging from hilarious to resonant to comforting to hopeless to crushing. 

Some of the respondents and I have completely different world views and politics. Seeing us all come together to share this micro-experience online broke down walls I didn't know were erected in my head.

When I brought this up to a friend, she jokingly replied, "What's going to unite our world? Mental illness!" Then she said, "Jk," and her final message read, "Well, at least hopefully it won't tear us apart." It went straight to my heart.

Lastly, one my favorite parts of this experiment is this comment from a friend:
I'm love-reacting to everyone, because we all need it.

Yes, we do.