Layers of Impostor Syndrome
I've been put in a very unique position. Every year, there's a huge conference where private school advancement professionals (of which I am one) meet, and usually the conference is opened with welcome remarks from our President.
This year, our president happens to be my boss, and this year, my boss happens to be out of town. This year, I also happen to be quitting my job, with my last day being July 31st. This year, our conference chair happens to hate public speaking.
What all of those "happen to bes" boil down to is that I, who am leaving the entire field of communications to pursue a social work career in a month and a half, am to introduce our conference.
Layer 1: The Betrayer
I already feel like a lower ranking professional than usually introduces this event. Like I said, my boss is the President of the board that puts on this conference. I'm not even on the board.
In addition to this uncertainty, I'm leaving the profession! It feels disingenuous to welcome communications professionals to a conference about communications when I'm turning my back on the field to go in an entirely new direction. It's like asking Benedict Arnold to welcome the founding fathers to the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
That may be dramatic, but I digress...
Layer 2: The "I'm Not Worthy"
Why little ole me? Yes, I've been at my job for five years. Yes, I chair the communications division of our professional organization. But I don't feel I have the years under my belt in this industry to genuinely motivate and excite these professionals.
My boss insists I'll be fine. I have years of improv experience. But this event calls for greater deference than a scene about what would happen if Anna Nicole Smith was Prince Harry's nanny.
Speaking of deference...
Layer 3 - The Just, Seriously, How Can It Be Me?
How can it be this person? I'm actually proud of the speech I wrote to address this audience of 113 humans, not including presenters, organizers, and our keynote speaker. I think my speech will tug their heartstrings at just the right moment and bring them to genuine applause when the time is right. I just don't think I'm the one who should be saying the words.
Exhibit A. I wrote the speech in this outfit. This is the person. She is the one who will be sharing solemn words about Hurricane Harvey and school shootings, all while inspiring you to work even harder to serve your students and parents next year.
HOW CAN THIS BE HER?
Yes, she will show up shiny and polished and wearing a blazer and be free from all animal-emblazoned, midriff-exposing graphic tees (despite how mind-blowingly epic they may be). Yes, I understand that people are complex and nuanced and that no one who wears a blazer to work wears a blazer all the time. But it's hard for me to reconcile these two versions of myself.
I feel it's important to assert that I've loved communications for the past 9 years in the industry, and I am proud of the work I've committed and products I've produced. It's not deprecation of self-work or self-worth, more deprecation of self-image. I love the way I dress at home. It's cozy and it suits me. I'm comfortable and my work flows much more freely when I'm in a relaxed environment. This just isn't the image we're used to seeing behind conference presenters.
So how can this one do that thing? We'll see on Thursday, June 7th, 2018.