Balancing Act: Control & Acceptance During COVID-19

Image via Flaticon

If you’re involved in mental health at any level there is no doubt you’ve come across an infinite supply of think pieces on routines and stability during COVID-19. Heck, I even made one.

This focus on stability makes perfect sense. You can’t address anything during a crisis until there is some sort of equilibrium - footing on which to stand - that allows you to tackle root causes or form a long-term response. It is natural and logical to seek to control what we can when our world has been turned upside down. In addition, routines allow us to function better and offer predictability in an unpredictable situation. These are all characteristics of the beginning of life dealing with COVID-19.

Now we are moving into a new phase of the pandemic. One in which a sense of control and stability are still crucial, but are perhaps not enough on their own.

Phase 2: Letting Go

A lesson I struggle to learn again and again is that I have no real control over any outcomes. The wonderful Tara Brach brought this reminder to the forefront yet again in her podcast.

As Brach emphasizes, letting go does not entail giving up or becoming apathetic. Instead, it means accepting reality as it is - including the fact that the plans we make are subject to a myriad of factors, most of which we have no control over. While routines contribute to a sense of control, it is important to recognize that control can be quickly taken away.

As a recent MSW graduate spending my days scraping the bottom of indeed.com’s barrel in my search for meaningful work at a living wage, returning to this lesson offers me a sense of relief. Of course I will continue to apply to and search for jobs multiple times a week. But in the vein of letting go, I can finally feel what I’ve been saying to others all along - what is meant to happen will happen. And I can’t control that outcome, so I don’t need to put my body and mind through the pain of acting like I can.

Leaning InTo Uncertainty

How can you apply “letting go” in your life? Is there anything (or anyone) you’ve been hyper-focused on in order to lessen your sense of anxiety amid the uncertainty that colors our lives? Maybe you’ve caught yourself thinking, “If I could just accomplish that one thing, I’d finally be able to relax.” These are all signs of attempting to control the uncontrollable.

It is perfectly natural to attempt to control our lives, and this quality probably served you well in the past - helping you achieve important goals and navigate change. When thoughts become obsessive or cause you emotional pain, you know your sense of control isn’t serving you anymore. It might be time to practice letting go.

The Practice of Letting Go

If any of the above resonates with you, here are some ways you can experiment with loosening your grip on control. If you experience distress when trying any of the exercises, hold off until you can partner with a licensed therapist to guide you through the difficult parts.

• Mantras
  One simple way to start is with mantras. Practice breathing in while thinking one word and out while thinking another. In Brach’s podcast mentioned above, she describes using the mantra “let go.” You can breathe in and think “let” then breathe out thinking “go.” Do several deep belly breaths this way and see how it feels.

  A friend of mine shared a mantra of his in which he repeatedly thinks, “I am not my body, I am not even my mind.” This thought can help you distance from the idea that everything about you and your life is tangible and help bring some tranquility. You may also try something simple such as, “I accept.” Not about anything in particular. Just as a general practice of acceptance.

  Whatever resonates with you and makes you feel a sense of release and acceptance is the way to go.

• Process Over Outcome

  One great way to practice letting to is to do something you love for the pure process of doing it versus the final product. It’s sometimes best to pick something you’re extremely new to and not good at to help you let go of the outcome. If it’s something you know you’re skilled at, it can be hard to just “play.”

  One of my clients who was struggling with perfectionism chose to try spin art. It’s very difficult to control the outcome of the work, as you can’t see the piece until it stops spinning. That allowed the client to engage more fully in the creative process and fun.

  Creating an exquisite corpse (a sort of blind art collaboration with a friend is another way to embrace process. To create an exquisite corpse with someone else, fold a sheet of paper in half. Draw or paint something on one half, then the other person draws something on the other side without ever seeing your side. The fact that you can’t see each other’s drawings makes the final product randomly beautiful and weird.

  Another example of embracing the outcome is to cook or bake something using only items in the back of your pantry and fridge. Or you could enjoy make up a random dance to your favorite song. The opportunities are endless!

• Change it Up

  Although I didn’t finish it, there is a great book called “Thinkertoys” in which the author encourages creative thinking. One of the rules of his book is to not become a “duke of habit.” He encourages taking a different route home from work and changing the order of your morning routine (do you brush your teeth before you put on pants? Switch it!)

  This is really just another way to let go of attachment to control. Maybe you regularly go for a jog as part of your routine. What’s a new way you could exercise one day a week? If you eat the same breakfast every day, maybe one day a week, you can experiment with making something for breakfast you’ve never made before. These simple acts that are out of order with your routine can remind you that even when your schedule is disrupted, everything is really okay.

It’s a Balancing Act

To reiterate: routine is an important contributor to the feeling of security we so need as human beings. Just don’t let your need for a sense of control - a completely valid feeling under these and any circumstances - thwart your ability to let go. Our routines will both stabilize and get disrupted throughout our entire lives. By learning to let go, you’ll be better able to cope in those inevitable times of increased uncertainty.

When we are able to lead a structured and flexible life, a sense of peace and acceptance can grow.